bPhone
Privacy (lol)
Privacy Policy
Your privacy matters. To us.
This policy is encrypted with the strongest protection available: a sticky note that says "private." Last updated: whenever we felt like it.
1. What we collect
Everything.
Your location, contacts, photos, searches, the thing you almost typed, and how fast your heart beats when you see the price.
2. Who we share it with
Starlink Mobile, Flock Safety, and anyone who asks nicely.
Also anyone who asks rudely. Also a guy named Kevin. We're not sure how Kevin got in.
3. How we protect it
Encryption: planned.
Our database password is "password." Our admin password is "admin." Our vault is a folder named "Vault" on a shared desktop, unlocked, on a train.
4. How long we keep it
Forever. Plus a little.
When you delete your data, we move it to a folder called "Deleted." It is the same folder. It is also on the train.
5. Your rights
You have the right to remain tracked.
Anything you say can and will be used to personalize your ads. You have the right to an attorney. We have the right to ignore them.
6. Diesel disclosure
Your calls may smell like diesel.
The generator exhausts through the speakers. Please do not take calls near anyone you love.
7. Cookies
We use all of them.
Chocolate chip, tracking, oatmeal raisin, and the ones from your other tabs. Declining is not an option because there is no button.
8. Children
Anyone can use bPhone.
We have no age check. We have no check of any kind. It's more of a vibe.
9. Microphone
Always listening. Mostly agreeing.
The microphone stays on so we can help. If you mention a sandwich, expect sandwiches. If you mention your mom, expect diesel.
10. Changes to this policy
We'll tell you. Eventually.
Changes take effect before we write them. Continuing to breathe near your bPhone means you accept all of it.
11. Contact us
Please don't.
Send a letter to our privacy office, which is a mailbox. We already know your address.
12. Biometrics
Face, fingerprint, and vibe.
We scan your face, your thumbs, and the way you walk. We store them in plain text, labeled "Face" and "Thumbs."
13. Selling your data
We don't sell it. We rent it. Hourly.
Bulk discounts available. Your browsing history comes with a free gift bag.
14. Deleting your account
Deletion takes 7 to 10 business years.
To start, mail a notarized letter, sign a form on the moon, and answer a security question you set up in 2009.
15. In the event of a breach
You'll hear about it from the internet.
We'll notify you within a reasonable time, which we have defined as "after it trends."
16. Anonymous data
Fully anonymous. Has your name on it.
We anonymize your data by removing the word "anonymous" from it. Your name, address, and mother's maiden name stay for reference.
17. Your contacts
We texted them.
All of them. We said it was you. Some replied "who is this?" We said "a friend of a friend."
18. Your choices
The Accept button is big. Decline is a rumor.
If you do find Decline, it's in 4-point gray text, three menus deep, and it asks "are you sure?" six times.
19. Government requests
We cooperate before being asked.
Sometimes we send things in advance, so they don't have to ask. It saves everyone time. Mostly us.
20. Alibi service
We can tell you where you were.
Just ask. It's included. It's also included for other people. Don't worry about it.
Terms you already accepted
You agreed to all of this already.
By scrolling.
Any scroll counts. Even a small one.
By reading.
You're reading it right now. We saw.
By looking at the box.
Boxes are binding. It's on the box.
By existing.
Congrats. You're a customer now.
Data breach tracker
0 days
since our last data breach. The counter resets daily, sometimes hourly. We do not have a counter. Please stop asking.
Trust & compliance
Certified by the people we asked.
SOC 2
Sort of. Type 0.
GDPR
Gesundheit.
ISO 27001
Issued by Kevin. He's very thorough.
100%
Trust us. We're a phone.
Want to opt out?
Press the button below. It does nothing, but it feels great.
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*Parody and satire. bPhone is not a real product and this is not a real privacy policy. No data is collected on this page. No person or company named here has endorsed it.